Review: “Love in a F*cked Up World”

Dean Spade (BC ’97) discussed his new book, “Love in a F*cked Up World,” in conversation with musician and activist Thao Nguyen. Here is why you should read it. 

Art by Jeanine Huang/The Barnard Bulletin

By Lydia Snyder

April 8, 2025

Dean Spade (BC ’97), a graduate of Barnard College, currently teaches at the Seattle University School of Law and has written three books, most recently publishing, “Love in a F*cked Up World: How to Build Relationships, Hook Up, and Raise Hell, Together.” In the book, Spade explores his passion for dismantling racial capitalism, confronting environmental disaster, and resisting harmful policies, while framing these larger issues through the deeply personal lens of relationships. After hearing him speak, I found his book to be a worthwhile and timely read.

On February 26, Spade joined the Barnard community virtually for a conversation with musician and activist Thao Nguyen, of Thao & The Get Down Stay Down, in an event hosted by the Barnard Center for Research on Women. Their discussion touched on societal collapse, friendship, emotional promiscuity, and communication. 

“What am I so afraid of being seen doing that I am willing to limit my steps toward what I want in my life?” Spade read from the book’s conclusion, establishing a mantra of courage that resounded throughout the rest of his ideas. In an era of increasing loneliness and anxious inaction, Spade’s ability to override the feeling of fear struck a chord with listeners who responded enthusiastically in the Zoom chat. I shared that excitement. I have often felt the pull of isolation myself, prioritizing time on the internet over time with other people. But listening to Spade, who has built and sustained lifelong friendships (including with Nguyen), allowed me to pay close attention to his perspective on fostering meaningful relationships.

A central theme of “Love in a F*cked Up World” is how two pervasive ideas, scarcity thinking and the romance myth, undermine our ability to form and sustain connections. Scarcity thinking, Spade explains, is the belief that both emotional and material resources are always in short supply, causing people to feel insecure rather than friendly and open. Meanwhile, the romance myth idealizes monogamous, lifelong partnerships as the ultimate source of fulfillment, perhaps sometimes at the expense of friendships.

Spade challenges these narratives, arguing that we should “treat our lovers more like friends, and our friends more like lovers.” He suggests that romantic relationships, weighed down by societal expectations, often bring out our worst anxieties, while friendships, seen as lower-stakes transitional relationships between the family we’re born into and the one we create, receive too little care and investment. He disproves the notion that friendships are placeholders between childhood and marriage, preferring to see them as meaningful relationships that can and should last for a lifetime. Personally, I see many of my friendships as lifelong commitments that require investment in the same way a romantic partner does, but many of us have known a friend to distance themself after growing invested in a new relationship, or have seen movies where two characters, in love, seem to be the only people in the world to each other, with friendships barely an afterthought. Thus, I found myself agreeing with his perspective that friendships are too often sidelined in favor of romantic relationships.

In order to surround oneself with supportive friends, Spade suggests employing “emotional promiscuousness,” the willingness to be emotionally open and vulnerable with many people, rather than relying on a single romantic partner for all emotional needs. In my opinion, given how easily loneliness can be band-aid fixed by online content, and how life, work, and menial tasks can get in the way of forming new, deep connections, finding the strength to be emotionally vulnerable, or emotionally promiscuous, is harder than ever these days. “We are all afraid of being thrown away in a society that throws people away,” Spade noted. 

Spade also offers practical strategies for healthier relationships, including how to deal with negative feelings. Feelings, as Spade describes them, are like screaming babies; they can’t be handed off to someone else, but they can be comforted; in other words, we have to take responsibility for our emotions rather than cast them off to another person. His approach struck me as a more mature version of the “I statement” technique I learned in childhood, to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements when in conflict. Spade’s framework gets at the heart of this sentiment in a more elegant way, pointing out that ultimately our feelings are coming from within, and the other person may not have intended to provoke those feelings, thus they cannot be blamed for a sense of resentment, anger, or hurt. But by accepting one’s feelings as entirely one’s own when bringing them up, a person can make for more constructive, less confrontational interactions.

This article barely scratches the surface of Spade’s book, which delves much deeper into these ideas. If you’re interested, the full talk is on YouTube, and “Love in a F*cked Up World” can be found through the publisher’s page, Algonquin Book Group. No matter what your perspective is on relationships, Spade’s work prompts valuable reflection on how we navigate love and community in a fractured world.